"Schoor," It's Only a "Gratuity"

If you ever wondered why some people get away with that they do, look no further than a report in da Asbury Park Press who will spend some time in da Stockade Hilton, for, of all things --- giving someone a "gratuity."

No, da founder of da big firm Schoor DePalma isn't going to jail for tipping his waiter.

Webster's Dictionery defines "gratuity" as "something given voluntarily or beyond obligation usually for some service ; especially : tip.

Instead, according to da Asbury Park Press, "Howard M. Schoor, the founder of one of the state's largest civil engineering firms, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court this morning to mail fraud as part of a scheme to induce Ocean Township officials to do business with the firm he founded."

"Prosecutors originally said Schoor passed more than $15,000 to the pair between 1998 and 2001 to secure contracts on a multimillion-dollar sewer improvement project that could have been worth as much as $850,000 to the firm."

Da good news is da soon-to-be INMATE did admit as a part of a plea deal that he is GUILTY. Da point is, how he pleaded guilty.

"But the plea agreement calls Schoor's actions a "gratuity" and not a bribe. The distiction is that a bribe is money given to induce a public official to perform a specific act, while a gratuity is money given to an official without a specific quid pro quo, attorneys said. Still, it is an illegal act, attorneys on both sides of the case said."

"Howard Schoor accepts responsibility for his payment of a gratuity based on the solicitation by Messrs. Kessler and Weldon," said Schoor's attorney, Justin Walder. "The government and Mr. Schoor agree that all services were performed by Schoor DePalma in a professional and proper manner."

Webster's by da way, defines a "bribe" as "1 : money or favor given or promised in order to influence the judgment or conduct of a person in a position of trust
2 : something that serves to induce or influence"

You be da judge.

Of course, this begs very interesting questions:

1. Da next time you go to da Manalapan Diner, how much should you "bribe" your waitress in lieu of a tip?

2. At Old Silver Tavern, should da waitress be insulted if you leave her a "gratuity" or should you instead try to briber her for better service?

3. At a place like McDonalds, since you don't tip your server, should you instead offer a "bribe" for more lettuce or special sauce?

4. Recently one of da TruthTellers stayed in a fancy hotel, and left a "gratuity" for da person who cleaned da room, and da cleaning woman da next day left 2 mints on his pillow. Should he tell his wife? Did he "bribe" da housekeeper?

5. Imagine what this legal maneuver will do to da prostitution industry. A "John" gets busted for sex with a prostitute, but he's let go because he did not pay her directly for "services rendered." Instead, he simply left her a "gratuity."

DaTruth is, if Mr. Schoor pleaded guilty then he deserves to go to jail. However, calling what he did a mere "gratuity" is not justice. It's bending da words of da law to satisfy one individual. What he did was not "tipping."

It will be very interesting, after Mr. Schoor changes his address to da Stockade Hilton, what will happen to those who are also involved in this criminal proceeding.

And - since Mr. Schoor will surely be going to jail, here's some helpful hints from another INMATE he may know:

1. Get da lower bunk. An INMATE named John Lynch hurt his knee using da upper bunk, and we don't want that to happen to you.

2. When ordered by da guards to shovel snow, be careful. You could get a hernia, and at least in Pennsylvania they don't want to burden da taxpayers with that kind of surgery.

3. Pay off your debts, including da mortgage on any $5 million dollar homes you may own. Poor INMATE Lynch may lose his mansion since he's paying his debt to society, and we want to make sure you learn from his mistakes.

And that's daTruth.